My wife and I are the parents of three boys aged 16, 19 & 21. When they were younger they squabbled, of course. Not often, but like most kids they’d have a falling out occasionally. When that happened they’d either go to their mother to sort things out, or come to me. I don’t once remember one of them approaching me to help, with the other going to my wife. They instinctively knew that to find one of us to help them was the best thing to do. It’s a good instinct to have. Imagine what would happen if children didn’t do that, and instead each child sought out one parent to help them ?

And then we grow up. We become adults. We form intimate relationships with others and, often, new families are created. Sometimes those relationships fail. When they do, what many people do next –  taking separate advice from different lawyers – is counter-intuitive. When divorcing, why look for help from two professionals?  It’s more than a little odd. It’s like inviting two building firms to build an extension for you. Unless their communication with you and each other is perfect, you are likely to end up with something you are both unhappy with. And it’s going to cost you more than you expected.

Relationship breakdown is a social matter with often severe financial consequences. Rarely does it involve a situation where the law is disputed. Following the instincts we developed as children, when facing a transition to our lives and families, we should look for one person to help us. A family mediator is arguably best placed to help. Many mediators work with financial planners and parenting experts in order to provide their clients with the right combination of information and support across the spectrum of their needs. Mediators will also provide legal information, but where advice is needed, they will refer them to lawyers.

Family mediation provides education and support. It motivates people to make their own decisions. It is not a stick with which to beat people and families into submission. Family mediation tends to lead to better, longer-lasting, quicker and less expensive outcomes. They are also child-focused.  Outcomes decided by lawyers or judges tend to leave at least one if not both parties dissatisfied,  usually take much longer to achieve and are much more expensive. They are rarely child-focused. Just ask any child whose parents have gone to court.

Take a lesson from children, look for one person to help you.

I am Stephen G Anderson and I am a professional mediator in Ipswich