For millions of years, most parents have learned together how to parent their children. It’s perfectly natural. They recall their own childhoods, watch, listen to and learn from others and each other. They accommodate any differences. And for much of the time, they will do a good job of it.  But when they separate, parenting becomes a cause for arguments. Suddenly, parents behave in a way that they wouldn’t have done had they not separated.

Parenting differences

I don’t remember ever being told by a client that the cause of a marriage breakdown was due to differences over parenting. Or that they and the other parent couldn’t agree how they would share their time so that one of them would take responsibility for the children while the other did something else. It’s the case, though, that once parents separate, they lose the one thing that had made co-parenting relatively straightforward – intimate proximity to each other.

Biological influences

Biologically, women get a parenting head start over men. Women carry babies for 9 months. Mothers are equipped to directly feed the baby. Women are more likely to be expected to care for young babies than are men. Overall, this means mothers initially tend to spend more time with their babies as primary carers. Fathers typically learn, and gain the mothers’ confidence under her watchful eyes and tuition.

Social influences

This arrangement works until a time comes when parents have increasingly equal roles as carers. They’ll talk to each other about their baby’s developmental stages. They’ll plan ahead. They”ll talk over breakfast, over the washing up, and while getting ready for bed. They’ll hold snatched conversations wherever and whenever they can. The younger their child is, the more of their time they’ll spend talking about them.

Conflict

When parents separate, these biological and social norms tend to be overlooked. No longer living in the same home, opportunities for conversations become a thing of the past. Neither parent really knows what the other is thinking. Attempts to overcome this when children are picked up or returned may degenerate into bitter arguments. Sight of the other parent’s name coming up on the phone when receiving their call may even lead to conversations being avoided. So, instead, emails are sent: brief and terse. Or even worse, text messages become the communication tool of choice because they are convenient – but even more brief and frequently misinterpreted.

Courts aren’t a substitute for co-parenting because they can’t fix this communication problem. Courts can’t help parents communicate better. Courts may even make communication worse. So what’s the answer?

One answer may be to approach a mediator for help with a parenting plan. Mediation provides parents with opportunities to add together all the brief  and longer conversations about their children which they would have had if they’d remained living together. Mediation allows them to replicate these conversations by having them all together in joint meetings where a mediator can manage them. This way they are less likely to break down in acrimony.

Parenting plan

What’s included in parenting plans is up to parents, but one idea is to try and cover foreseeable routine arrangements such  as time the time spent with each parent during school days. weekends, school holidays, public holidays, birthdays and so on. It can also cover school arrangements, how to deal with the child’s medical, dental and optical needs, money, values & behaviour and future changes to the family, or to the arrangements themselves.

Plan and you’ll avoid conflict

If a parenting plan is thorough, it can cover all the important parenting decisions that parents are likely to have to make. And by having a conversation about what to do in advance of any need to have that conversation  – such as, for example, what to do in an emergency – when the need arises, both parents will know what to expect of themselves and what to expect from each other.

If you anticipate and overcome the difficulties of co-parenting, chances are you will avoid a lot of conflict. If you know someone who’d like help creating their own parenting plan, please refer them to this blog.

I am Stephen G Anderson and I am a professional mediator. Online and off.

Stephen G Anderson, family mediator

+44 1473 487427

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