Your relationship with your partner or spouse is coming to an end. You know it, even if they don’t. You’ve spoken to friends and family who are very supportive. But the overwhelming message coming back from them is “Get yourself some advice. Go and see a lawyer”.  As a former family solicitor, my response is “Why?”

The law is rarely in dispute

I know the advice is meant to be helpful, but it is often far from that. Lawyers are experts when it comes to the law. The trouble is, the law is rarely in dispute in separation or parenting situations. As a former lawyer, I wouldn’t need more than the fingers of one hand to count the number of times I had to argue about the law with another lawyer. It just didn’t happen.

Divorce is an emotional and financial problem

The problem most people face when going through a personal or family crisis tends to be an emotional one, made worse by poor communication. It’s usually accompanied by a real worry about their and their children’s financial futures. Emotional support, help with communication and financial information are what most need, not legal advice.

Involving lawyers at the wrong time can make the dispute worse

Even if you think legal advice might be helpful, it’s important to understand that there is virtually no advice a lawyer can give which is of any use until they know the whole story – and that includes the other person’s side of things, too. If you and your partner end up going to see lawyers at the very start of your break up, the chances are you will end up with a bigger dispute on your hands. I hear people talking about how lawyers make things worse and there’s definitely something in that.

It’s the system which is at fault

It’s not so much the lawyers’ fault as the fault of the system. Lawyer 1 will advise Partner 1 what they think should be a fair settlement. Lawyer 2 will advise Partner 2 what they think should be a fair settlement. The trouble is, fairness is subjective and the two lawyers’ advices will rarely offer the disputants a solution. Focusing on fairness is of little help which is why so many people end up going to court. The lawyers can’t agree on what is fair and so a judge is wheeled in to impose their idea of fairness.

Acceptability not fairness

Instead of each disputant striving to persuade the other that their ideas or proposals are fair, they would do better to try to persuade each other of their acceptability. It’s simple: make a proposal that is acceptable and you will reach agreement.

Children learn how to deal with conflict

So what’s all this got to do with children? Well, I’ll tell you. Young children argue and fight with each other. Particularly siblings. It’s a natural and important part of growing up. They get to learn how to deal with conflict in a safe environment. It equips them for their adult lives where they are likely to be exposed to more conflict than they experience at home.

Children seek out one parent to help them

Children know instinctively to go to their father or their mother to help them. One doesn’t run of to mum and the other to dad. Even if they did, mum and dad wouldn’t start arguing the case of the child who approached them. It’s more likely that one or other of them will deal with the problem. Both children know to ask one of their parents to help them. And that’s precisely what the parent does, with no bias and with no sides taken.

Encourage mutual problem solving

So next time someone you know is going through a relationship breakdown, or having problems parenting, don’t encourage them to see separate lawyers at the outset. Instead, suggest that they get in touch with a mediator. Mediators will help people resolve their problems together. If mediators assess that lawyers are needed, they will recommend lawyers are consulted. Mediators can prevent problems turning into disputes or will help with resolving disputes.

I am Stephen G Anderson. I am a professional mediator.

Stephen G Anderson, family mediator

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