What’s the best Christmas contact arrangement for children? It’s the one where parents make sure it’s a Christmas to remember for all the right reasons, not the wrong ones.

But before looking at that, you ought to know that I don’t like hearing or seeing “contact” used to refer to an arrangement between a child and its parent. I used it here to grab attention, but really “contact” is what passes a disease from one person to another or what a foot does when it touches the floor.

I like to encourage my family mediation clients to use “parenting arrangement” or something similar. Anyway, now that’s off my chest, let’s get back to the main point of this blog.

Christmas past and future

For many of us, Christmas is the most important holiday of the year. It’s a celebration which focuses on children. Some of our fondest memories are of Christmases past. And so Christmas becomes a battleground for the securing of future memories.

From my previous experience as a solicitor, I’m familiar with the range of orders which courts make when parents are in dispute over Christmas arrangements. Any order was down to the personal preferences of the judge. They could be:

• Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at the child’s main home and Boxing Day at their second home. This might be repeated every year, or it might be alternated each year. It depended on the judge.
• Christmas Day morning at the child’s first home and Christmas Day afternoon at the other home. Again, this might be repeated year on year, or alternated.
• The first half of the Christmas school holiday at the child’s main home, and second half, including the New Year period, at the second home. This too might be repeated or alternated.

Judge’s sword of Solomon

There were others, but hopefully you’ve got the gist by now. What judges may do at these quite often hastily convened hearings, is either order what one party asks for or what the other party asks for. Or, perhaps more likely, use their “sword of Solomon” and make an order neither parent would have chosen if it had been up to them. Whatever the outcome, it is unlikely that the judge will found out what the child would would like.

Listen to your children

The best Christmas arrangement for children is one that a child doesn’t have to worry about as it comes around every year. Parents can find out what their children really want by listening to them. Really listening to them, not steering them in ways which will lead them to say what the parent wants to hear. By listening to their children. Listening to children. Talking to the other parent. And when parents can’t make a mutual decision, they shouldn’t burden the child by letting them know. They should choose to resolve the problem by taking their responsibility as parents seriously. That means not running off to someone else to decide the matter for them.

So don’t choose court

There’s no point going to court. Judges can only make orders, they cannot improve communication between parents, and may even make it worse.  Parents who choose to go to court cause untold upset to their children. Their children won’t thank you.

Find a mediator

Parents should do their children a favour and make an appointment to see a mediator. Perhaps a mediator who is qualified and  police checked to speak to children. Mediators are trained to help parents improve their communication and settle parenting arrangements. They help the parents delve underneath their positions and address their interests. Their children might even thank them.

I am Stephen G Anderson. I am a professional mediator.

Stephen G Anderson, family mediator

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