Conversation guidelines
These conversation guidelines help you each and both to speak and be heard in your meetings.
Using the conversation guidelines
We have found that it helps when people in mediation understand how best to communicate with each other in their meetings. Here are nine guidelines, which are a good place to begin. You can add your own or change them, so they work for you each and both.
When a conversation becomes difficult, coming back to the guidelines can help you find your way to a conversation where each of you feels heard.
You can also ask your mediator to slow things down or explain something again if you would like help, and you can ask for a break and take a pause whenever things are getting too hard.
Nine conversation guidelines for talking together
1Speak in a calm voice
A steady tone helps everyone think clearly.
2Use respectful language
Choose words you would want to hear yourself.
3Use “I” and “me” statements
Talk about how things affect you.
4Talk about the problem, not the person
Describe what needs to change.
5Take turns speaking
While the other person is speaking, write down anything you want to say. You will have your chance to speak afterwards.
6Listen with curiosity
This is hard, so challenge yourself. Listen for something new. Could you summarise what you have just heard?
7Be inquisitive, not accusing
Ask what led the other person to do or say something.
8Leave out criticism and blame
It is hard to listen when you feel judged.
9Focus on what happens next
The future is where you can make changes.
A copy to keep
You can download a copy of the nine guidelines to print or keep on your phone.