It was a sad spectacle to see Madonna and Guy Ritchie arguing in court about where their 15 year old son Rocco should live. Rocco had upped and left New York and his mother for London and his father after a row over his mobile phone. Instead of sorting things about between themselves in private, Madonna made an application to a New York court.

The judge made it clear that it was for the parents to resolve, not him. Reports suggest that Madonna now accepts that Rocco will live with in London. So, all well and good. But is it? One of Madonna’s closest friends is reported in the MailOnline to have said “Madonna won’t stop fighting to make sure Rocco is kept safe and has what he needs.” And the headline to the piece was “I accept I have lost my son”. 

It’s bad enough for any child to see their parents fighting over them in court. It is much, much worse for those with celebrity parents who are in the media spotlight. The prospect of Rocco’s parents continuing to fight over him, and perhaps of Rocco learning that his mother feels she has lost him, aren’t going to help his recovery.

What all parents want is what’s best for their children. What all children want is parents who can communicate. What children don’t want is to see their parents arguing in court, tearing strips out of each other: strips out of bodies from which they were formed.

Any decision to go to court usually means that communication has broken down. Yet the very nature of court, where parent is pitted against parent, means that communication tends to worsen. Courts don’t teach parents how to make their own decisions. They can only teach them that they don’t need to make decisions because a judge can always do so.

Madonna and Guy Richie are each very wealthy celebrity parents. Wealth allows narcissistic types to use their money to get them what they want. The courts have been a playground for the rich for centuries. The wealthy can engage expensive legal teams to battle for them. For the most part I say let ’em. But when it’s children in the centre, it shouldn’t be allowed.

Which is why the UK government is so keen for disputants to mediate rather than litigate.

I am Stephen G Anderson. I am a professional mediator.

Stephen G Anderson, family mediator

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