Listen

Listen, we’ve all read stories in the media about people who have had unhappy experiences with divorce lawyers. “My ex and I wanted an amicable divorce. And we thought we were just about in agreement about everything until the lawyers got involved. It ended up costing us a fortune and now we’re not talking”.

What starts out as an unhappy event, often ends up as a war. Family mediation works differently. It focuses on building on a wish to achieve the best outcome for the family rather than an outcome which advantages one person over the other. What starts out as an unhappy event usually ends up with a better ending.

Trial by ordeal

It is not surprising lawyers have this reputation. The fact is, today’s legal system is based on an 11th Century trial system. It included trial by ordeal – often involving fire or water – and trial by combat – when the winners of organised fights settled disputes.

Today’s disputants may not be ducked in rivers, forced to hold red hot irons, or required to fight. But the modern legal system still aims for a winner and a loser. In reality the result is often two losers, but never two winners.

Win-win

Family mediation aims to allow both participants to win. They typically walk away from a successful mediation with all of what they need. If they don’t want to accept what’s being proposed, they don’t have to accept it: simple.

Family mediation doesn’t rely on combat to create win-win outcomes. It relies on something far more effective: talking and listening. For most of us who have a problem, or are in dispute with someone else, being given the opportunity to explain our point of view, while at the same time listening to the other’s point of view, is likely to result in the problem being solved.

Professional guidance

It’s a mediators job to manage such conversations. This is the main reason mediation works better for most people than if they sat around a kitchen table and tried to talk without professional guidance.

Far and away the vast majority of disputes categorised as “family law” do not involve any dispute about the law at all. When it does, as a solicitor (though I don’t practise as one any more) I’m usually able to provide all the legal information anyone would need.

Better outcomes

Those who try mediation mostly end up getting the amicable endings they want. They also manage to hold onto their wallets. That can’t be bad.

I am Stephen G Anderson. I am a professional mediator.

Stephen G Anderson, family mediator

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