As parents, we strive to do the very best we can for our children. We want them to grow up to be happy, healthy, well-rounded, successful individuals. Shared parenting is the norm when we live together as a couple under the same roof. The way we share the parenting might not be ’50/50′. In fact, it rarely is. There are usually biological or practical reasons for one parent to do more of the hands-on parenting than the other. As the children grow and develop, there is often a natural change to the parenting arrangements.

Children’s needs and parents’ efforts

When a relationship breaks down, the children still have the same parenting needs. The effort is takes for the parents to satisfy those needs is far greater than before. The reason is that they’re not parenting together any more. At the end of a long day, there may be no-one there to take over, to help carry the load. To add additional strain, there’s also dealing with the other parent, someone who is often no longer flavour of the month.

No magic wand

Virtually all parents want to have a continued close and loving relationship with their children after separating. For that to happen, their relationship with the other parent needs to be at least reasonably good. I don’t want to risk losing those of you who are thinking, “Well, that’s us out then!” I admit there is no magic wand or fairy dust to help, but it can work. In a way it has to – for the sake of the kids. Easier said than done?

New beginnings – a necessary transition

Think of your relationship with your ex as changing. Not ending. It’s changing from an intimate relationship with parenting elements, to a parenting-only relationship. It might be helpful to see it as a practical, more business-like relationship. What then, is shared parenting after separation?

One family, two homes

There has, thankfully, been a move away from talking of residence and contact. We now prefer ‘arrangements,’ whether living arrangements, or arrangements for spending time together. The point is that children whose parents separate, still have their mum and dad, their siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles and so on. They still have the same family, although it may be getting larger … The living arrangements for the family have changed and that in turn means that the arrangements for how the children spend time with each parent also have to change.

Shared parenting – is it right, or helpful, to talk of 50/50?

Shared parenting doesn’t necessarily mean that the children live half the time with Mum and half with Dad. It might do, but that’s not always what’s best for the children, nor what’s practical. For parents to be able to make the best arrangements for their children they would ideally think about these things (the list is not exhaustive):

• the relationship between the children and each parent before the separation
• the age, maturity, stage of physical and emotional development of the child
• the work hours and work patterns of each parent
• location of nursery or school
• any special needs of the parents or the children
• support from extended family
• feelings of the child

Conclusion and light at the end of the tunnel

It takes hard work and dedication for shared parenting to be successful, especially in the early stages when changing from parenting under one roof to doing so from two homes. Some families can make this transition without outside help. Others need support. At Anderson Mediation we tailor our support to suit the needs of each family. Poor communication is virtually always an underlying problem – we can help with this. We can help you create a parenting plan. This can be a useful tool for establishing a structure for parenting, now and in the future. Whether or not you think mediation might be a way forward for you, we’ll be happy to have a chat with you about that and other options.

Elisabet Anderson, FMC family mediator.

Email me | Visit my website

I’m a mediator and a member of the Family Mediators Association. I’m also a non-practising solicitor. I help couples negotiate financial settlements and parenting arrangements in separation and divorce. As a family solicitor, I worked for one person. Now, as a mediator, I am able to support two people together to help them reach the best possible outcome for their whole family.