A parenting plan is a good thing.

When parents live together they chat about their kids when they eat breakfast, brush their teeth, walk to the shops, watch their kids play in the park and so on. Those conversations don’t happen after separation, so a parenting plan can provide a useful substitute. It does mean sitting down together and talking about this new phase in the parenting relationship. In reality it usually means a series of conversations, either between the parents themselves or with the help of an independent person, such as a mediator.

Controlling ex?

A parent sometimes gets in touch and tell me that they’ve received a parenting plan through the post, either from their ex or (worse) from their ex’s lawyer. Their knee-jerk reaction is rarely positive: “Who do they think they are? They always decide everything about the kids and just tell me how it’s going to be. I want to have a say!”

Proactive ex?

Sometimes a parent tells me that they’ve read about parenting plans and think it’s exactly what they and their ex need to help them co-parent. They’ve even written a plan to help sort things out. Their ex’s reaction baffles them: “My ex told me where to stick my plan!  All I want is what’s best for the kids. It’s all in there. My ex Just needs to follow it! But no, they shout at me and call me selfish and controlling!”

What’s gone wrong?

The problem isn’t usually the parenting plan. The parent who has received it is upset at the lack of discussion and that their views weren’t considered. They tell me that they weren’t treated as an equal parent. The parent who prepared the plan usually didn’t mean any harm. They genuinely wanted to help the situation – to give them both a framework for their parenting and some certainty.

Turning things round

It might seem counterintuitive, but this is the time to talk – and above all to listen. We usually put the existing parenting plan to one side, either temporarily or permanently, and start a conversation. (The plan isn’t wasted because at the very least it’s a memory aide for the parent who wrote it).

What should go into the parenting plan? Communication is a top priority for many parents, but if it isn’t, I make sure that I mention it. My next parenting blog will be about the contents of a parenting plan. In the meantime click here for some more information about them.